Jonathan Trott on his way to a century. On debut. In an Ashes decider. Photograph: Gareth Copley/PA
Preamble Hello. Now then, there are two ways we can do this: the easy way, or the England way.
The easy way England bat for five more hours on a pitch that is not as bad as has been suggested, extending their overnight lead of 230 to around 410. Then tomorrow, on a fourth-day track that starts to go up and down like a graphic equaliser, their tall bowlers torpedo Australia while we all sit back and savour a prolonged example of that lovely window between unspoken confirmation and orgiastic actuality. In short, we very quickly realise that something brilliant is happening.
The England way (aka the Edgbaston/Adelaide Method) The magnificent Andrew Strauss goes in the first over of the morning, leaving England effectively 230 for four, and they add just 68 more runs in a dramatic collapse against Ben Hilfenhaus and Mitchell Johnson. Australia's batsmen, needing 299, redefine the phrase 'over my dead body' and take us to a place where we very quickly realise that someone is in trouble, something bad is happening.
I actually had a dream last night in which Victoria Pend Australia needed seven runs to win with one wicket remaining - and Andrew Strauss threw the ball to George Costanza. That's what years of watching English cricket does to you. Yesterday was pure life-affirming insanity, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Please, England, do it the easy way, just this once. We won't hold it against you.
Links to things that, like Freddie, are very good and maybe great This, this, this, this, this and this.
Stat du jour England have never before won a series of five Tests or more while scoring only a single century. Obviously they might get a second one today but, well, no, exactly.
That stat came from Andy Bull, the last words he uttered before we zipped up the gimp mask and shoved him in the cupboard. You won't be hearing from Andy 'Australia 274 for none' Bull today. There's an Ashes series to win.
So what lead to England need to feel comfortable? 300 and my pulse rate might slip below 200; 350 and I'm cracking open the Relentless, having abstained throughout the series because of its association with 2006-07; 400 and there will be congratulatory handshakes around the desk; 500 and I'm anyone's, thong optional.
So who gets the Man of the Series award for each side? I can't really see beyond Clarke, Hilfenhaus and Strauss. I didn't mean that to rhyme; it's just the way the names came out. Maybe Marcus North if he takes four or five today and gets a matchwinning ton.
Some pre-play emails
"Well I'm not a pessimist.. but had to check the weather forecast for Kennington. If the weather robs me of a single minute of this wonderful match I'm blaming you and the rest of your surrender-monkey t-shirt sloganeers with your ironic defeatism and continental lapdoggery" - Hugh Palmer.
"The most crucial day's play in this entire Ashes series or watersports with 10 blokes in the New Forest? Unfortunately, I have opted for the latter. I am praying that there will be some form of cricket coverage available..." - Jonathan Berger.
"I was going to say that with the Oval pitch trumping all there is really nothing to say about beards today; but no, the English gamemanship involved is fully in line with the worst traditions of the great hirsuteness himself W G Grace" - Keith Flett.
"Is Gary Naylor real?" - Paul Dawson. Yes. Yes he is.
The final word on the pitch
Nasser Hussain: "Are you disappointed as a team; do you think the pitch is unfair?"
Marcus North: "Aw no, not at all."
Rob Smyth: "Next!"
He seems a really good fellow, does North, as he showed with his admirably phlegmatic reaction when he got a stinker yesterday.
A precedent to keep Australians warm Anyone remember this magnificent game of Test cricket? South Africa were effectively 188 for none in the second innings on a dodgy deck, but Australia won. I'm just stating facts here. What we can say is that, just as that innings defined Mark Waugh's career, an Australian will have to play the innings of his life if they are to win this Test. They have a few who will be in the mood to do just that.
Right, here we go The players come out to a fantastic reception. Strauss and Trott are smiling as they walk to the crease, but Strauss will be conscious of the fact that he averages around 0.24 when he resumes an innings the morning after.
29th over: England 62-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 32, Trott 9) What an unbelievable start! From the very first ball Trott was squared up by a brutal leg-cutter from Siddle and appeared to edge it to Brad Haddin. It looked stone dead, but Asad Rauf said not out! And just as everyone was readying the rotten eggs - Siddle really was apoplectic - replays showed it was a sensational piece of umpiring! There was a huge noise, but it was bat on pad and the deviation of the ball was off Trott's trousers. Unbelievable stuff, and then Trott loops the second ball just short of cover. Then, from the final ball, Strauss is beaten. This is outrageous; this is contagious. "I hope you had a good sleep Mr Smyth and didn't hit it too hard Friday night, because we Australian OBOers need a very good session from you this morning," says Evan Maloney. "Four wickets would be nice. Cheers." What do you think this is: 2005? I was in bed by 11 with only Malcolm Tucker and Hugh Abbot for company.
30th over: England 64-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 33, Trott 10) Now it's Mitchell Johnson. It was going to be Marcus North but Ricky Ponting changed his mind halfway through that over from Siddle. Trott tucks a single to leg and Strauss continues to look encouragingly assured. As Shane Warne says, there will be no frills at all from Strauss for as long as he's at the crease. On dicey pitches many batsmen decide to hit out, to get as many as they can before they get a bullet with their name on it, but Strauss will go the other way and back his mental capacity to bat time and look to let the brouhaha surrounding the pitch affect his shot selection. "I suspect that if England win The Ashes, Stuart Broad may be the Man of the Series - for all the acreage of tosh printed about the pitch, Flintoff, Anderson and Harmison were innocuous yesterday and Swanny had a lot of help from Asad Rauf," says Gary Naylor. "'Malfoy on stilts' has turned up at the sharp end and still has a lot of work to do - if he does it, he'll be worth the Flintoffian hype that will follow." I know what you mean but he was several shades of innocuous for three Tests and got the dirtiest of fiver-fors in the fourth, so I'd be really loath to give him Man of the Series.
31st over: England 64-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 33, Trott 10) Siddle turns Strauss round, and the leading edge goes low into the covers. Little else happens and that's a maiden. "If England win this, and they're the only team in the world who could manage to lose it, I'm changing my life on Monday," says Dean Butler. "I'm getting a job. Strauss; the destiny of a tragic, mendacious fool is in your hands."
32nd over: England 68-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 34, Trott 12) I can understand why Ponting started with Johnson, because he has an air of thuggish menace on even the flattest of pitches and on a good day he could take 7 for 40 here. But the flip side of that is that four poor overs could disappear for 30 and give England momentum. He hasn't started particularly well, with his line all over the place, and in that over Trott and Strauss both help leg-stump filth on its way for a couple of singles. It's too darn quiet. "Why is it that cricketers continue to wear such baggy trousers and shirts when so often they can lead to a dismissal, as that nearly did for Trott?" says Jonny Bennett. "Don't get me wrong, the sight of the entire England team walking out in super-tight lycra isn't likely to boost the popularity of the sport and to put it simply, just isn't cricket but at the same time couldn't they be just a little tighter? Trouser clips or something; I don't know." Look, if you want to know what I'm wearing you just have to ask.
33rd over: England 72-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 37, Trott 12) Strauss looks calm, really calm, and tucks Siddle off his pads for two. This isn't jinxing him, because he could get a bullet any ball now, but he looks beautifully certain. He has a wonderful ability to play each ball exactly on its merits, which is of incredible importance on this wicket. "Have to agree with you re: Broad," says Sarah Bacon. "From floundering in a deep pool of dross for the past month or so, he finally learned the Australian Crawl, freestyling himself into the history books and English fans' hearts. Most of what he bowled in that special session yesterday was downright unplayable, it's true, but don't get out the tickertape just yet. Apart from a few magical moments here and there, I've yet to see anything to indicate that England, the team, deserves to win the series." I'm not sure anyone does, which has what has made this series so crazily entertaining. It's a disgrace to 2005, really, but like swigging from a bottle of vodka on the bus at 9.10am, it's an enjoyable disgrace.
34th over: England 77-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 38, Trott 12) Ponting decides that he can risk the errant Johnson no longer in that spell and turns to Stuart Clark. He has two short midwickets for Trott and is bowling gunbarrel-straight, but when he errs ever so slightly the ball clips the pad and flies for four. Then an inside-edge saves Trott from what would have been a very good LBW appeal. The lead is up to 249. "Jonny Bennett has a point," says Robin Hazlehurst, demonstrating a flawless understanding on the difference between male and female genitalia. "Rob Key, for example, walking out in just pads and an OBO thong would also have a big mental disintegration effect on any opposition." It'd have an even bigger physical disintegration effect on him if he took one in the special place.
35th over: England 82-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 43 Trott 12) Strauss pulls Siddle for a couple - don't bowl short on this pitch - and then drives through mid-on for three. "I'm at work - alone," says Toby Jones. "I've started talking to myself already. I've desperately needed the toilet for 43 minutes but I'm terrified that if I go I will somehow metaphorically pee on Strauss' robust defence.
36th over: England 82-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 43 Trott 12) Strauss is beaten by a wider delivery from Clark that pops out of the footmarks. Clark is trying to get Strauss to drive, with two men in close on the off side, but as the Sky chaps point out this is not the sort of pitch on which you want to be driving. "Something like Bridgetown 99 is the concern," says Jo Davis, "with Ponting playing Lara. On these kind of pitches it's the single big score by the world class player that's the big risk, and you can just see him doing it." I agree. If Australia are to win it, one man has to play the innings of his life.
37th over: England 84-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 44 Trott 13) Trott tucks Siddle off his pads. Every run is being cheered like an important medical breakthrough. England are getting 'em in singles; I don't think there's been a boundary this morning. I think it's time for Marcus North. "I'm here," says my former colleague Georgina Turner. "Sorry if it's just me." It'll always be just you, Georgie, at least until [insert name of Scarlett Johansson here] turns up at my door.
38th over: England 86-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 45 Trott 14) Clark looks pretty anodyne, partly because Strauss is leaving him very well. A maiden. We're just starting to enter the Hope Zone, the square on which there is an almighty snake that takes us back to the Wicket Zone. The lead is 258. "Tell that Jo that the main difference here is Bridgetown 99 was probably the best innings by anyone ever. Against McGrath and Warne. Chasing down 304 in 1.5 days against the anodyne Anderson and Harmison is a relative cakewalk. Did I imagine it or did Graeme Smith do exactly that at Edgbaston last year on a 'wearing' pitch?" Point taken, but I don't think Smith is a fair comparison. That was a fourth-day pitch; this, in terms of the spinner at least, is a fourth-week pitch. Also, I reach Gooch's 154 not out just trumps Lara's 153 not out, qualitatively and quantitatively.
39th over: England 92-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 45 Trott 20) Here's Marcus North, the man with the impossibly husky voice, and Trott pulls the first boundary of the day behind square to bring up the fifty partnership. At the risk of stating the obvious, if Strauss and Trott can add fifty... "A self-imposed alcohol ban is likely to be tested to its most extreme limits this evening," says Chris Brereton of his heroic alcohol ban, currently in its eighth hour. "Surely it would be wrong not to have a cheeky tipple at some point over the next 12 hours? If this is not a 'win/lose on the booze' scenario then what is. Assuage my guilt somewhat please. Relentless just Does Not Cut It." I don't think you need me to assuage your guilt, do you now.
40th over: England 92-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 45 Trott 20) Clark continues to try to lure Strauss outside off stump, and beats him with a superb leg-cutter to the left-hander. Apart from that, Strauss is solid. The consequence of this attrition is that Clark's figures (4-2-3-0) look good, but this isn't of much use to Australia. The longer England bat the worse the pitch will get, and I'd be inclined to give Mitchell Johnson a second go. If his line is still bad, take him off, but I'd give him two overs. "Why has nobody mentioned that Trott and Prior have exactly the same face?" says Glenn Allan. "The only difference is that Prior has too many teeth to fit in his mouth."
41st over: England 96-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 48 Trott 21) No silly point for North to Trott, which is a surprise. There's a slip, leg gully and short leg. Trott takes a single and then Strauss is beaten by a beauty that dips and then spits past the outside edge. Unplayable. Leaving out Nathan Hauritz here must rank as one of the very worst selections of all time, up there with England picking four seamers and Ian Salisbury on a dustbowl in Calcutta in 1992-93, a pitch that turned so much that Graeme Hick took 5 for 28 in the match. "I'm having a four-course breakfast," says Alex Netherton, "and none of them are Monster Munch."
42nd over: England 98-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 50 Trott 21) Clark is bowling from as wide as possible on the crease to Strauss, to bring the footmarks into play and make Strauss play. It's smart cricket, but England's captain sensible remains almost eerily unruffled and dabs two to third man to bring up a wonderfully temperate half-century. At 154 balls it's the slowest of his England career, and it's also one of the best. In many ways the surprise is that he hasn't got more runs in this series, because he's in a sensational place right now. "Just spoke to the man in the local shop about cricket," says Heather. "It turns out he's an obsessive Chris Broad fan, and it took me twenty minutes plus a detour through Lahore Gymkhana and the wonders of Wasim Akram to actually leave the shop."
43rd over: England 100-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 51 Trott 22) A couple of singles in that North over take England into three figures. It's going too darn well. "I'd almost forgo The Ashes just for the chance to see someone bat like Lara did at Bridgetown in '99," says Gary Naylor. "It was like watching Usain Bolt, but it lasted all day." Even on teletext it was a pleasure. I'd definitely have it second only to Gooch's 154 in my cricket-watching lifetime.
44th over: England 102-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 53 Trott 22) Strauss dabs Clark to third man for two more, and is then beaten on the inside by a very good cutter. In other news, Bumble is Tweeting Lily Allen on behalf of Shane Warne. Poor lass.
45th over: England 106-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 53 Trott 22) Trott, pushing forward, gloves one onto the pad and short of Katich at short leg. Then he gets four leg-byes. It doesn't seem to be spitting quite as much as it did yesterday. I know pitches can sometimes die for no particular reason - Jo'burg 1995, for example - but surely it's impossible for a pitch such as this, with going through the top, to die. There is no precedent for that, is there? "ECB security have literally just added 'No knives' to the rules of entry at their big cricket screen in Regent's Park," says Dan Smith. "So if you were thinking of pitting the olives in your middle-class picnic with a flick knife, think again." I'm going tomorrow. Can you bring your own booze?
46th over: England 110-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 57 Trott 22) Clark, possibly out of sheer boredom, switches to over the wicket for Strauss and is immediately pulled to fine leg for four. That's Strauss's first boundary of the day. "Quote from Bumble on Twitter: 'Lily in today...had a bath..changed my socks'," says Sunil X. "In what order, I wonder?"
47th over: England 118-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 58 Trott 29) Hilfenhaus replaces North, and Trott steers his first ball low to third man for four. This has been an uncomfortably comfortable morning for England. Last night, I put the draw just behind the end of the world and Mrs Scarlett Smyth in likely scenarios over the next three days, but now I am ever so slightly worried that the pitch might die. I know it can't; I know all logic says it can't; but since when did logic have anything to do with English cricket. Ah, that's more like it. The moment I typed that that guff above, Hilfenhaus's second ball popped horribly past Trott's attempted forcing stroke.
48th over: England 126-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 66 Trott 29) Strauss comes down the track to Clark and drives the ball into the ground and over the two men at short extra-cover for four. He does exactly the same next ball. It's really smart cricket to play Clark like a spinner because, as Nasser Hussain points out on Sky, by coming down the track he can get to the ball before it does anything nasty out of the footmarks. Brilliant batting. Anyway, people who know more about pitches than me: is there any possible way a pitch of this precise nature can just die? I really am getting The Fear about this. "We've got a big debate going on here," says Helen Clarkson, inexplicably eschewing everyone's, a-hem, favourite onanism gag. "Every few overs Trott tips his helmet up and quite a large quantity of water comes out. My brother says this is because he's the sweatiest man alive, but my sister-and-law and I think that if he sweated that much he'd collapse through excess water loss and it must be some kind of cooling ice-pack in his helmet which is melting." Could it be vodka? Would that be so wrong?
49th over: England 134-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 67 Trott 35) England are having a very good spell here, and Trott square drives Hilfenhaus for three to take the lead past 300. My pulse rate is down to 199. Trott then drives three more through midwicket. His temperament is very impressive. An Englishman (sic), on debut, against Australia, making runs in both innings? It's almost unheard of. "Chalky, I never read you anxious," says my colleague and now former friend Mikey Stafford. "However I'm confused – which are you more concerned about? The pitch dying or not being granted entry to Regent's Park tomorrow with your three litre flagon of White Lightning?" Well both, but mainly the pitch.
50th over: England 142-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 74 Trott 36) Michael Clarke comes on to bowl his left-arm spin, and Strauss slog-sweeps his second ball for four with wonderful authority. Jeez he's playing unbelievably well. Then he sweeps a single to bring up the century partnership. Excellent stuff, but just a bit too easy for my liking of late: they've taken 26 from the last three overs. I'm surprised Ponting hasn't asked Mitchell Johnson to raise hell. "Rob, are you seriously getting The Fear because a couple of England batsmen are playing well? I know we've all suffered in the past but for god's sake man, lie back and enjoy it a bit!" says Jack Lee. 'Enjoy it.' Listen to him.
51st over: England 144-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 74 Trott 38) It's spin at both ends, with Marcus North replacing Hilfenhaus. Trott dabs a couple to third man and that's the lot. "I am considered something of an expert on the batting strip on our patch of lawn in the garden," says Rhys Morgan. "I can say that it has been known to inexplicably die after the third or fourth hour of play on a Sunday morning. Scientifically, I am not sure if you can extrapolate much from this in terms of a Test-match wicket on the third of fourth day but it has got me worried now you have brought it up."
52nd over: England 146-3 (led by 172 after first innings; Strauss 75 Trott 39) Strauss fails to take advantage of a rancid full-toss from Clarke, clunking it to mid-on for a single. "Yes, you are allowed to bring 'sensible quantities' of booze to Regents Park tomorrow as long as it's not in glass containers," says Melanie Brown. "Just decant your gin into your hipflask/Thermos beforehand and you'll be fine." Or, as an alternative, drink it all by 10am and ride the Wave of Fun thereafter.
53rd over: England 147-3 (lead by 319; Strauss 75 Trott 40) Strauss offers no shot to a full delivery to North that goes straight on and raps him on the pad. Asad Rauf thought about that for ages, and it was a very good shout indeed. Hawkeye has it missing off stump by a whisker. Here's Gary Naylor, ever the optimist. "Whilst the pundits have concentrated on the pitch (and made some fairly unsavoury comments about a blameless groundsman), might it not be yesterday's rain that provoked Broad's er... broadside?" says Gary Naylor. "Broad swung the ball (still Aussies' least favourite bowling) through an atmosphere that must have had water evaporating from the outfield. England need at least 400 and maybe 600 to be safe." I agree about Broad yesterday, but logically the bounce can only get more uneven, and then there's the Swann factor.
54th over: England 157-3 (lead by 329; Strauss 75 Trott 50) Trott gleefully pulls a long hop from Clarke for four. That was absolute filth. Later in the over he rocks back to whip through midwicket for four to bring up his maiden Test fifty. In the parlance of our time, he has a bit of ticket, and he has played splendidly. "After the talk earlier in the series of banning the rolling of the pitch as it kills pitches (eg Edgbaston) why did we use the heavy roller twice?" says Andrew Benbow. "If you ignore what the pitch looks like, it is playing like a very slow turner at the moment. Worried."
WICKET! England 157-4 (Strauss c Clarke b North 75) Andrew Strauss is furious with himself, swishing his bat in frustration. He was lured into the drive by a little bit of flight from North, and the ball gripped enough to take the edge on its way to first slip. Good bowling from North, and the end of an innings for which no praise is too high. As Shane Warne says, he just seemed to lose a bit of concentration at the end - first when he padded up to North and then with a stroke that was unnecessarily risky on this surface.
55th over: England 157-4 (lead by 329; Trott 50, Prior 0) Prior drives one into ground and straight into Ponting's unhelmeted face at silly point. Ouch. A few utter morons cheer but that was awful - there was an almighty crack and it also drew blood. Shades of that hideous whack Nick Knight took in the same position at Trent Bridge in 1995. Thankfully it was the final ball before lunch so Ponting, who just spat the blood out almost contemptuously, can get it checked. He'll be fine; he's as tough as the old Baggy Green perched atop his head. And so ends a very good session indeed for England. They lead by 329 and are in a sensational position, even if the draw - impossible last night - is now rearing its miserably ugly head. See you in 30 minutes.
LUNCH
Disconcerting lunchtime email "Utterly surreal to hear the words 'crack-whore' on TMS (courtesy of Miss Allen's hit)," says Rebecca Heller. "I don't say I didn't like it though."
56th over: England 162-4 (lead by quite a few, look I'd like to update this bit every over but I'm a simple lad and I'll keep forgetting about it, sorry; Trott 55, Prior 0) Ponting is back out with a couple of blood stains on each lip. Siddle opens the bowling and Trott cuts him for two and then works him off the pads for two more. All logic says that England are home and hosed here, that they could declare now. I don't give a flying one for logic and I reckon that this game will go the fifth day now. From there, anything is possible. What if it rained all day? What if? "Enough about Allen, L. More about Pendleton, V," pants Will Bowen.
57th over: England 163-4 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 56, Prior 0) Trott turns North round the corner and this far short off Hussey, endeavouring to justify his existence at leg slip. "Let's get the possibility of another parallel with the 2005 series out the way as quickly as possible: ConvertedSaffermakespivotalcenturyfifthtestsecondinnings," pants Scott W. "There. Hopefully the cricket Gods failed to catch that."
WICKET! England 168-5 (Prior run out 4) Prior plays push-and-run to Katich in the covers, and he does the rest with a superb, almost angry pick-up and throw. His second excellent run-out of the match, even if it was a stupid run from Prior. He also stopped for just a split-second when he was a third of the way down the wicket, and that was ultimately crucial.
58th over: England 168-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 57, Flintoff 0) Fred gets a standing ovation as he comes to the crease for his final Test innings, and the hairs on the back of the neck are off on one again. I think I can even feel a wee tear in the eye. Ricky Ponting comes up and shakes his hand, which is a really classy touch from a top man. For all the stuff about Flintoff's stats and even his number of match-winning performances, there is one enormous thing in his favour when his career is judged: he earned the unconditional respect of the best team in the world, and not many do that.
59th over: England 172-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 57, Flintoff 4) Fred, our mate Fred, gets off the mark with a hearty biff for four through midwicket off North.
60th over: England 176-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 57, Flintoff 4) Siddle beats Trott with a peach, a full outswinger that roared like a yawning dragon past the outside edge. Then he rams a bouncer right onto Trott's helmet and away for four leg-byes. "I gave Arrested Development to some friends of mine, they've watched a couple of episodes and I don't think they like it," says Mark Taylor. "Is that even possible?" Disown them now. A man must have his principles. If people diss Rob Key or Martin McCague, I genuinely never speak to them again.
61st over: England 182-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 58, Flintoff 9) Flintoff tickles North fine for four more and then he comes down the pitch to scuff one to midwicket for a single. He looks in the mood to have some fun, and surely it's better he play this way - both in terms of the individual and the team situation - than try to build an innings carefully. "I don't know much about pitches, but I do a bit about stats," says Andrew. "Interesting that in three morning sessions, only four wickets have fallen (including two England tailenders) but 21 wickets have fallen in four and a bit sessions after lunch. What does that mean?" Er. Errrr. You say two tailenders, but it's three in view of Alastair Cook's recent form.
62nd over: England 191-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 62, Flintoff 14) This pitch is definitely slowing down. The goalposts have moved significantly and now I reckon England's plan will be to bat until around 5pm today. Runs are coming at a decent rate now, with nine from that Siddle over, including the crispest of swivel-pulls for four from Flintoff.
63rd over: England 197-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 63, Flintoff 19) Great stuff from Flintoff, who comes down the track to North and cracks him for a one-bounce four to deep midwicket. There was a slight element of inside-edge but it was a good stroke and he's going at more than a run a ball. Poor old Ponting wears another one at silly point, this time in his doubtless fat-free backside. He finds it all pretty amusing. His conduct throughout this series has been admirable.
64th over: England 200-5 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 63, Flintoff 22) This should be lively fare: here comes Mitchell Johnson, who has bowled only two overs today, to bowl to Flintoff. His first ball is really smart, a slower ball that Flintoff edges over the off-side infield for three. "Jonanthan Trott has the batting stats this season to be worth giving a go in Test cricket and has now shown that he has the ticker too," says Gary Naylor. "Adil Rashid has the batting stats this season to be worth giving a go in Test cricket too. And 170 First Class wickets." And he showed hae had the ticker in the World Twenty20. Be patient Naylor: I like the idea of waiting with Rashid until the moment is absolutely right, almost like a deliberately protracted bit of foreplay. His time will come, and it will come soon, but I would only take him to South Africa as second spinner. On that note, I wouldn't be shocked if Monty Panesar never played Test cricket again.
WICKET! England 200-6 (Flintoff c Siddle b North 22) It's over. Freddie launches North to wide long-on and is taken by Siddle. He walks off, head down, with just a quick point of the bat to either side of the ground. It was a fun innings - 22 from 18 balls - and that was the right way to go. He wanted desperately to be a batting allrounder but he's been a bowling allrounder for eight years now, and that means his real work is to come. But he has given some wonderful entertainment with the bat, not least on this ground in 2003. It's been a pleasure.
65th over: England 204-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 67, Broad 0) Trott whaps a shortish delivery from North through midwicket for four. That's a very good stroke. "Not sure how this will help on the loo front but I'm quietly hammered on French vodka," says Alex Hull. "Its 1.15 in the morning and I cann't tear myself away from obo and go to bed."
66th over: England 209-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 67, Broad 5) Broad times a short one Johnson exquisitely through the covers for four to get off the mark. "I'm staunchly refusing to concede anything to my bladder," says Toby Jones. "It appears that being in an advanced state of cross-legged agony encourages the England team. Be a patriot, Smyth - and puddle the floor if you must."
67th over: England 211-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 67, Broad 6) North drops Broad off his own bowling. It was a fairly straightfoward chance as Broad choked an attempted drive but North, leaping, couldn't hang on with both hands. The following ball is a ludicrous jaffa that pitches on off and middle and turns to miss off by a whisker. An absolutely ridiculous delivery. "At the risk of revealing precisely how empty my life currently is, I'm still here," says Georgina Turner. "I did go away for a minute to buy Eddie Izzard tickets, but I'm back now. Loving your work. Really." Never rated yours, love.
68th over: England 212-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 68, Broad 6) In attempting to describe the South African team, Nasser Hussain comes up with a new word: 'ruethal', presumably a mix of ruthless and brutal.
"French vodka?" sniffs 'The Cape Colonial'. "Yeah, and I'm drinking Russian claret."
69th over: England 216-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 72, Broad 6) A delivery from North spits past Trott's outside edge and bashed Haddin on the helmet. Ian Healy sometimes wore a helmet against Shane Warne as a psychological trick but you certainly need one here. Trott then snicks a cut stroke up and over Clarke at slip for four. That turned and bounced a long way. In an unrelated development, I really need them to have a drinks break soon. My legs are crossed, but it's not exactly a free-and-easy Basic Instinct pose. I'm hanging on for dear life here! "Smiff," says Glenn Miller. "Following his second less than memorable innings with the bat and after picking up a solitary tailender in the first Aussie innings, what's your prediction for Freddie with the ball in final innings? An explosive five-for or a forgettable limp into Test history?" Balls to a five-for; I want a ten-for. Actually I can see a dullish 2 for 47, but maybe with him taking the final wicket. That'd be nice. I'd like that. Especially if it it's at 5.13pm tomorrow and I'm in Regent's Park and so drunk that I can't even remember my gender, never mind my own name.
70th over: England 225-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 72, Broad 15) It's a drinks break, a lovely drinks break, a beautiful drinks break. "Why do you think you're sat covering the cricket, and I'm sat cobbling together my thesis?" says Georgina Turner. "The only person who ever rated my work was me, and I was only being polite." Yes, that's the same Georgina Turner who won New Online Journalist of the Year in 2005. The only thing I've ever won was Redheads on MUTV. 2003, thanks for asking.
71st over: England 237-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 72, Broad 27) Broad drives North for two delicious lofted boundaries, first over mid-on to take the score over 400 and then over extra-cover. He then makes it three fours in four balls with a dragged slog-sweep from well outside off stump before being beaten by a spitting snorter. "Redheads, eh?" sniffs Brian Cloughley. "Well I once won an epsisode of Channel 5's Brainteaser (before it got pulled off the air for some sort of competition fixing nonsense.) Beat that viewers."
72nd over: England 239-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 73, Broad 28) Trott goes for a big drive at Johnson, bowling around the wicket, and is beaten by a bit of late movement. "Given your previously stated love of man like Collingwood, I'd be interested to hear your views on the batting order of a fully fit post-Flintoff England batting order?" says Scott W. "If Trott can transfer his serene, almost opium-addled, sense of otherworldly calm to No3, then we can consider that particular conundrum closed; we can then move on to getting the fancy dans Pietersen and Bopara to come in at four and five and put on 100 from 70 balls. The prospect of that, followed by Prior, Broad, Rashid and Swann makes me drool. Of course, all of this depends on Trott's ability to play 3, but the signs from these two innings are encouraging: he seems to build innings based on confidence in his own technique, rather than hope in his ability to subsist on looseners." I don't think Trott is a No3. Collingwood on South African pitches is a worry, but I'd still prefer him to Bell. The big problem, though, is who bats No3. Is it time for Pietersen to take full responsibility in the most important position in the order? Or, and I prefer this approach, do you get a dashing right-handed opener in, put Cook at No3 and then have either Bopara or Collingwood at No6. As a few of you have pointed out, the likelihood is that England's top seven (six?) this winter will have four South African-born players: Strauss, Pietersen, Trott and Prior.
73rd over: England 240-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 73, Broad 28) The game is drifting a little, and it's odd to realise that we are only 16 minutes past the halfway point of the match. "My old flatmate won three Gold Runs on Blockbusters as a goofy teenager," says James King. I tend to get five. "His prize was a safari in Africa. He was all smiles to Bob on-screen, but away from the cameras he threw a hissy-fit and turned down the dream trip. Why? Because he doesn't like spiders."
74th over: England 243-6 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 74, Broad 29) A couple of singles and a no-ball in that Johnson over, which he ends by throwing the ball angrily back towards Trott. It's an odd little passage of play, this. I'm not sure either team knows quite where they are, particularly England, as I doubt they thought a declaration might come into play when they came to the ground this morning. "Smyth," says Georgina Turner, "the only TV title worth having these days is Total Wipeout champion, and I'd pay good money to see you do that course." You haven't seen me since I buffed up big-style, have you?
WICKET! England 243-7 (Broad c Ponting b North 29) A cheery cameo from Stuart Broad comes to an end when he slices to mid-off. Marcus North has four wickets and is surely going to take a five-for here. I wonder what Nathan Hauritz is thinking.
75th over: England 245-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 76, Swann 0)
76th over: England 245-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 76, Swann 0) Swann is beaten by another grotesque, lifting leg-cutter from Johnson. It's a maiden. England lead by 417.
Trott is playing calmly, content to deal in low-risk ones and twos unless he gets a rank bad ball. He takes a single and Swann drives a full-toss through Hilfenhaus at mid-off for a couple. Then he pulls out the reverse-sweep to successive deliveries, fresh-airing the first and getting two from the second. "I must say the South African B side is doing extremely well against the Aussie A side," says Clive Sacke. Better than the South African A side, in fact.
78th over: England 260-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 78, Swann 12) Johnson overpitches from around the wicket and Swann blasts a superb cover drive for four. Then he squirts another drive to third man for four. It's utter dross from Johnson, who should know that Swann is at his best when the ball is pitched up outside off. "A new slogan for the 2009 Ashes series," says Scott W. ""Is it bold to pray for cloud cover?"
79th over: England 264-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 79, Swann 15) Ricky Ponting has left the field, presumably to get his face treated, and Twitter's Phillip Hughes is on as substitute. Swann reverse-sweeps North for two more. He could end his batting series as he began it: winding up Australia a treat. "Does Trott have more ts in his surname than any other England player ever?" asks Nemonie Craven Roderick, who obviously isn't familiar with the Test career of hirsute 19th-century allrounder Danny Twitterbottom.
80th over: England 269-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 80, Swann 16) Johnson is wided on length after an extraordinary delivery that bounced in the rough at the bowler's end. England continue to tick along, although Trott is a little becalmed and might want to get a jump on. Then Johnson is no-balled for what was also probably a wide. He is ending the series as he started, by bowlling abject filth.
81st over: England 275-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 81, Swann 21) Ponting is back on the field and, although the new ball is available, he persists with the old one and Marcus North. Swann comes down the track and bashes him straight back over his head for four. England lead by 447. 447. If they get to 500 they will surely declare.
82nd over: England 278-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 82, Swann 24) Katich replaces Johnson. The atmosphere is a little flat, but I guess that's just a reflection that England are doing as they please. "We're approaching the tantalising possibility of a lead where Smyth is anyone's, thong optional," says Rebecca Heller. "Perhaps we could have another caption competition where you are the prize." We'd get some particularly interesting captions given that everyone would, or at least, be trying to lose.
83rd over: England 290-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 83, Swann 33) Swann is having some fun out there - how good has the intent of England's Nos 6-9 been in this series - and strikes North for four from the last two balls before tea: the first a pull and the second a scorching drive over mid-off. England are in an unbelievable position here, leading by 4632, by 462, and I'm off to try on a few thongs. See you in 10 minutes.
TEA "What's a good declaration total in your esteemed?" says the lovely Jennifer Roesler. I feel sure that England should declare with a lead between 499 and 499. It would be feckless to get that lead up to 500 because the psychological barrier would stimulate Australia further. Yes, that's it. Either way, they should get it done quickly. Awp, as an actress said to an etc.
Tea-time stattage "Trott now has the best debut scores in an Ashes Test since P E Richardson in 1956," says Chris Bourne. "Better than KP in 2005, better than Graham Thorpe. Sixth best of all time. What a way to gatecrash the party: not so much a flagon of White Lightning as a case of Chateau Montrachet."
Tea-time emails/pleas for Andrew Strauss to do the right thing for the sake of English cricket/the female population
"This is a good opportunity for Strauss to show his inner steel as a captain making tough decisions for the team rather than pandering to individuals. If Swann can go out and give it some welly, then Strauss can declare just before Trott gets the opportunity to complete his century, ideally when he is on 99 or 98. Real captains, like Atherton, have the mettle to act like that" - Tom Van der Gucht.
"My brother in a thong? Let's hope the declaration comes soon!" - Olivia Gannon.
84th over: England 295-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 87, Swann 35) Ben Hilfenhaus, who doesn't deserve to be bowling in a situation like this after his outstanding work throughout the series, starts after tea and is driven splendidly down the ground for three by Trott. "If you look at total runs scored in each position for the whole series (current innings excluded) then you see just how pathetic our middle order really has been, but 8 & 9.... they rock," says Michael Hamilton. "Without them, we would have already lost." Tellingly, Flintoff, Prior, Swann and Broad are the only men on either side (except the statistical freak that is Stuart Clark) with a strike-rate of over 70 in the series, as this link shows. I love that stat and am now patting myself on the back for digging it out. Well done Bobbie. Well played sir.
85th over: England 309-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 88, Swann 47) Glorious shot from Swann, who smacks Siddle on the up over extra cover for four. Later in the over he reaches well outside off stump to clout four more down the ground - an absurd stroke. This is a fabulous, nose-in-the-dirt cameo from Swann, who has 47 from 42 balls. "Declaration?" says Graham Allsop. "Two bloody days left; bat it out for eff's sake!" Don't give weather - or Sod - any chance to influence proceedings. Get them in tonight.
86th over: England 322-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 95, Swann 52) Ricky Ponting drops Graeme Swann. It was a desperately hard chance, high to his left at second slip as Swann threw the kitchen sink at Hilfenhaus, and he could only push it on its way for two. Swann works the next ball through midwicket for two more to reach a deliciously mischievous half-century from only 44 balls. Trott then waves one through the covers to move into the nineties before edging low to third man to within five of his century. It's almost too much to take in. "You are only publishing Nemonie Craven Roderick's question (Over 79) because she once appeared in Weekend's now-lapsed 'We Love Each Other' section, and is therefore a Guardian insider," says James Womack. "This is worse than the BBC scandals. Resign now and keep whatever shreds of dignity you still possess." Dign- Digni- what word is this you speak of? What is this concept?
87th over: England 329-7 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 95, Swann 59) Swann is seeing it like a football now and pulls Siddle's first ball for four with real authority. The lead is 498. Balls to Trott's hundred; declare! He doesn't, and Swann works two more through midwicket to take England's lead into barely believable territory: 500. England have scored 39 in four overs since tea. "If Swann looks this comfortable on this wicket, has it occurred to anyone how comfortable say, Ponting and Clarke might look for a day or two?" asks Martin Gillam. The pitch has definitely died down a bit, but surviving for more than two days is, in the parlance of our time, the biggest of asks.
WICKET! England 333-8 (Swann c Haddin b Hilfenhaus 63) Swann's brilliant cameo of 63 from 55 balls ends when he top-edges an attempted pull straight up in the air. Earlier in the over he had played a majestic stroke, walking down the track to Hilfenhaus and slamming him over mid-on.
88th over: England 335-8 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 96, Anderson 0) "Normally my pee goes in a straight line," announces Srirahayu Suyoto. "However, after sex or after an England wicket I tend to spray double or even more gloriously. Am I alone in this?" Based on that email, I suspect you're alone in that and a whole lot more.
89th over: England 336-8 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 97, Anderson 0) Trott continues to get 'em in singles, screwing the new bowler Stuart Clark to fine leg to move to 97. Anderson blocks and leaves the remainder of the over as the camera cuts to a pretty girl. Why do they never cut to pretty boys (except when Stuart Broad or Rob Key are in action)? "I think Sisqo puts it best: 'I know you wanna show da na da na. That thong th thong thong thong'," says Rebecca Heller. "Go on - get it out for the lads." I said I was anyone's; I didn't say I'd be doing it in public. If it'd been Rob Key on 97 not out, on the other hand...
90th over: England 346-8 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 107, Anderson 0) He's done it! What an unbelievable moment in the life of Jonathan Trott, who works Hilfenhaus off his hip for four to reach a magnificent century. On debut. In an Ashes decider. In an Ashes decider. Extraordinary stuff, but even now he remains almost indecently calm, swishing the bat proudly but not too extravagantly. He had a big escape earlier in the over, on 97, when a back-defensive went off the pad and a fraction wide of leg stump, but he fully deserves this because he has played a sensational knock. The camera cuts to his mum in the crowd, who is in tears. What a beautiful moment that is.
91st over: England 354-8 (led by 172 on first innings; Trott 107, Anderson 8) Anderson joins in the fun, rocking back to clatter Clark through extra cover for four and then cutting the next ball just over point for four more. We're now just waiting for the declaration/thongs to arrive. "No: not alone," says Scott Poynting. "You can find the phenomenon described in admirably grandiloquent terms by Joyce in Ulysses. The stream is compared to the bifurcated penultimate letter of the alphabet."
92nd over: England 357-8 (lead by 529; Trott 108, Anderson 10) Mitchell Johnson returns to the attack. Perhaps England are so secure in the weather forecast (which is good) that they have decided not to declare and just bat until they are dismissed. "So I take it we all agree that Ashley Giles is now decisively not a somehow daunting-but-also-confused Warwickshire nepotist but in fact a swashbuckling warrior for truth, justice and the Victorian spirit of imperialist requisition?" says Scott W. I'd spend a penny for his thoughts now. He won't be seeing much of Jonathan Trott next season.
93rd over: England 360-8 (lead by 532; Trott 109, Anderson 12) "The England selectors have got to take a lot of credit, not just in this series but for quite a few years now," says Chris Goater. "When I first started watching cricket in the 80s, the England selectors were a bad joke - we had the likes of Ted Dexter referring to 'Malcolm Devon' and relying on astrology. Then we had the disaster of the Ray Illingworth period, and lumbering us with a selection policy so lacking in consistency that it ruined almost an entire generation of England players. But whatever England's flaws since, say 2005, you can't really blame selection. With the exception on some bad calls for the captaincy, by-and-large the selectors have picked the right players in the squad. Australia's selection cock-up in this Test offers a useful comparison, wouldn't you agree?" Absolutely. Obviously they're not perfect but it's an extraordinary improvement on picking 29 players in one series, as they did in 1989. And if you can name all 29 without recourse to Wisden or Cricinfo, I apologise for the hand you have been dealt in life.
94th over: England 361-8 (lead by 533; Trott 110, Anderson 12) And on we go. "Why even THINK of declaring?" says David Keech. "OK weather forecasts can be wrong but there is hardly a possibility of a two-day downpour. This is a wearing pitch. The longer they bat on the more it will wear and the easier it should be to get wickets. Also with a lead of 600 or more Strauss can keep ultra attacking fields the entire time as runs don't matter. Bat on! Quite right too!" I disagree. Do what the opposition least want you to do. What do you think Simon Katich and Shane Watson would rather do for the next hour?
WICKET! England 373-9 declared (Trott c North b Clark 119) That's a gorgeous stroke from Trott, a straight-driven four off Clark. "That's pure class," coos David Gower, who is surely the cricket-world's leading authority on that particular subject. Because it was so good, Trott does exactly the same next ball. Later in the over he slices to backward point, where North takes a lovely low catch. With that comes the declaration, and Trott walks off to a richly deserved standing ovation. So Australia need the small matter of 546 to win this match, and there are still 22 overs left today. See you in 300 seconds' time.
INNINGS BREAK
"Effing loved that shot of Trott's mum crying into her clenched fists...." says Modern Man Olly Lambert. It really was the feelgood shot of the summer. Is there anything in life as piercing and beautiful as a mother's love for her son? Is there heck.
1st over: Australia 5-0 (chasing 546; Watson 4, Katich 0) The crowd are alive, fuelled by industrial quantities of booze an awareness of just how close England will be if they can take one or two wickets tonight. Anderson, as is his wont, starts with an unthreatening over in which Watson creams a pull behind square for four. I've been desperately disappointed with Anderson in this series.
2nd over: Australia 11-0 (chasing 546; Watson 9, Katich 1) Fred, who incredibly has only taken three wickets in this series if you exclude the second innings at Lord's, will begin at the other end. He has just two slips and no short leg - "weird" says Shane Warne - and Katich gets off the mark with a horribly tight single to Bell in the covers. Incredibly Watson then does exactly the same, and Watson would have been well short had Bell hit any of the three stumps he had to aim at. He missed and it went for four overthrows. "I'm pleased that Broad isn't opening the bowling," says Gary Naylor, "but only because I'm going to The Oval tomorrow. Broad has been the most threatening bowler in this match by a country mile and really should be given a go with the hard ball. No short leg either. Both captains play a bit by numbers with Strauss possibly playing for run outs." Agreed. I'd have gone with Fred and Broad.
3rd over: Australia 11-0 (chasing 546; Watson 9, Katich 1) Anderson has a big shout for LBW against Watson, but Asad Rauf - who normally spends a few centuries considering these things - said no straight away. He was right, too, because it exploded from the pitch and was going over the top. "After two overs it's 11-0," says Will Wilkin. "At this rate Australia win just after tea tomorrow. Ah well."
4th over: Australia 15-0 (chasing 546; Watson 10, Katich 4) Katich times Flintoff through the covers for three, and in the Sky box Shane Warne and Mike Atherton and trying and failing to work out why Andrew Strauss has no short leg. Ah, finally he does, with Cook coming in. But early impressions from this innings are that these wickets will take some prising out. The pitch has lost a fair amount of its zing, even if the odd delivery is still misbehaveing horribly. "Can I just say how much I've enjoyed Matthew Hayden on TMS," says John Goldstein, echoing the thoughts of many of you. "Some really good insights in to life as a top-class cricketer and a sense of humour to go with it."
5th over: Australia 19-0 (chasing 546; Watson 14, Katich 4) Four more to Watson with a classy, checked back-foot force off Anderson.
6th over: Australia 23-0 (chasing 546; Watson 14, Katich 8) There is very little happening for England. You have to wonder how fit Flintoff is because he's bowling at what Richie Benaud calls half ratpower, and Katich cover-drives him for four. I would get Swann on straight away with four men around the bat. Imagine if Australia started the last day on, say, 360 for five.
7th over: Australia 23-0 (chasing 546; Watson 18, Katich 8) Watson pulls Anderson witheringly in front of midwicket for four. Strauss is playing around with his fields - he has a man at short midwicket and another close in on the off side - but Anderson isn't bowling well. "When Australia are 517-8 at 12.25 on Monday morning Andrew Strauss might come to regret this declaration," says Benjamin Arthur. "Oh well, there's always 2013!" 2010-11, please."
8th over: Australia 32-0 (chasing 546; Watson 18, Katich 12) Harmison replaces Flintoff (3-0-14-0), and Katich squirts a cut stroke down to third man for four. It was a good over, but Australia have started very well; I think they have accepted that they can't draw this game so they might as well look to score runs whenever possible. This is going to be seriously hard yakka for England. "I always get a bit nervous when England declare to the Aussies - they need to make an impact on the Aussie batting order sooner rather than later," says Kate Neilan. "Can we not have Anderson bowling any more, please?! Aargh!!"
9th over: Australia 36-0 (chasing 546; Watson 19, Katich 15) A good move, this: Swann replaces Anderson. He has a slip, short leg and silly point for Watson, but surprisingly no leg slip. The second ball spins really sharply, but Watson had got well outside the line when the ball hit the pad. Watson takes a single and then Katich works one through midwicket for three. "Speaking of mothers in tears, the last time I remember seeing my mum cry was when I had decapitated all the daffodils in our back garden with a cricket stump when I was about eight years old,' says Christopher Emm. "I imagine that Trott's mother is slightly prouder of her offspring than my mum was with me."
10th over: Australia 45-0 (chasing 546; Watson 19, Katich 24) Katich times the ball beautifully most of the time, and in that Harmison over he pings one square on the off side for four before edging the next ball low and past gully for four. There have been a couple of thick edges and that big LBW shout, but really it's been plain sailing against the seamers. "Watson & Katich sound like an early 20th century chemist's shop, full of grey powders and blue bottles," says John Starbuck. "The sort of place that promises resilience, I fear." True, but against that, Swann & Broad sound like a lothario duo who wear nothing than the tightest, most fragrant leather chaps, and who, as a consequence, no woman or man can resist.
11th over: Australia 47-0 (chasing 546; Watson 19, Katich 26) Katich pushes forward and is beaten by a peach from Swann that crackles past the outside edge. Katich comes down the pitch to the next ball and only just gets there before it turns past him. A fascinating over.
12th over: Australia 52-0 (chasing 546; Watson 19, Katich 30) Katich wallops a cut stroke for four off the hitherto ineffectual Harmison. I've been really impressed with Katich in this series, especially compared to the blundering clown of 2005. "I must say I'm heartened by the fact there seem to be so many female OBOers emailing in these days," says Darren Fox. "Suddenly sitting here on my own watching endless hours of Sky coverage in just my pants seems somehow disrespectful!" Pants are soooo Headingley. It's thongs for the Oval.
13th over: Australia 61-0 (chasing 546; Watson 24, Katich 30) Watson, off balance as he rocks back, pulls Swann high over midwicket for four. Swann then spears four byes down the leg side. Australia's need 485 more. Don't. Even. Think. It.
14th over: Australia 67-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 30) I have no idea why Broad hasn't bowled yet, but I'm sure he'll be on very soon. A sly bet on this wicket, as a couple of the Sky boys have mentioned, might be Paul Collingwood with those sharp cutters of his. In the meantime Harmison squares Watson up and finds the edge, with the ball shooting through Strauss at first slip. Then Watson drives beautifully past midwicket for four. Finally Harmison has a big shout for LBW but Watson was clearly outside the line. "Can you point out to Darren that us girlies have been reading (and emailing in to) OBO for quite some time?" says Amy Clements. "Though there's no need to share his state of (un)dress with us... (On which note, personally I prefer those hipster short things, very comfy). Now come on Swann and get a bloody wicket or three."
15th over: Australia 71-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 34) Broad replaces Swann (3-0-11-0), who I'm sure will switch to the other end. There are expectant roars as he bounds in for his first ball, which explodes from a length and beats the groping Katich. The final ball draws the edge and falls short of Strauss before hurrying through for four. "It's not going to happen, they can't get those runs," says Anna Leitch. "Let them tire themselves out like a three-year-old child having a tantrum. This time tomorrow the Ashes will belong to England." This time on Monday, I think you meant to say. This won't end tomorrow.
16th over: Australia 71-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 34) Harmison continues, which is a slight surprise as I thought Swann might switch ends. Watson is pretty comfortable against Harmison, safe in the knowledge that he is very unlikely to be LBW because of Harmison's length and bounce, and that's a maiden. Six overs left today. "I did say I was happy when the lead went over 500, but I'm beginning to have doubts," says Gary Naylor. "The pitch hasn't got easier, because it was never difficult, despite the endless bleatings of the pundits, who have shown yet again that they cannot read pitches - nobody can. Australia are relishing this and the history books mean nothing in 21st-century Test cricket." That last point is so, so true and I get really, really cross when people cite fourth-innings records as if they are gospel. But I think the pitch has got easier, or at least slower, and I'm also sure England will be fine. As I am invariably wrong, I suppose that is a concern.
17th over: Australia 72-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 35) Broad has a really big shout for LBW against Watson, but there was doubt over height, a possible inside-edge and whether he got outside the line, so Asad Rauf said not out. Watson is a big LBW candidate, having gone that way in all three Tests I think. "Annoying statistic for Darren (12th over)," says Helen Moffett. "Last year, more women than men watched cricket on telly worldwide."
18th over: Australia 78-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 41) Now Swann does replace Harmison (5-1-24-0), and this is the end from which he took his four first-innings wickets. His first ball is garbage: short, wide and cut for four by Katich. What a marvellous game this is. Fifteen wickets yesterday, and today we've had 393 runs for the loss of just six wickets. But we almost had another wicket there; Katich padded up to one from Swann that was only just missing off stump. A superb piece of umpiring from Billy Bowden. The final ball turns sharply and Katich does well to jab it down just short of slip. "Why on earth, given the obvious danger, do batsmen pad up not playing a shot?" says Sunil X, not unreasonably.
19th over: Australia 78-0 (chasing 546; Watson 30, Katich 41) A maiden from Broad to Watson, and with play due to finish at 6.30 we have time for just one more. Thank goodness for that because I'm shattered.
20th over: Australia 80-0 (chasing 546; Watson 31, Katich 42) Swann has four men around the bat in the final over of the day - I'd have had six or seven - but their defence is solid and that's the end of another fantastic day's play; not at all what we expected but riveting nonethless, most notably while Jonathan Trott was reaching a famous debut century. Australia need 466 more to win this; Andy Bull will be let out of the cupboard at 10am tomorrow to chart their progress. Cheers for all your emails. Night.
Murdered Croydon rapper Carl Beatson Asiedu
